If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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