i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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