there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
