I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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