I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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