I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
