I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
