fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize