i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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