Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
