It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He felt like a one man threesome
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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