Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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