thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
