Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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