i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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