my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
