My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize