I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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