ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
