The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
