My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
