FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
