It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
