Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
