JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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