remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
