i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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