Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
