I met the friendliest cop last night
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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