just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Randomize