Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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