I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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