Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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