Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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