clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
