Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize