Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
