Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
So squirting runs in the family.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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