Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
COCAINE IS GR8
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
