I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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