Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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