She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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