I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
