I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
