and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
