I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
