franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
