dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
