i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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