This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
