Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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