I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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