I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
it's great music for shaving your balls
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
