oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize