He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just googled if crying burns calories
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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