I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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