Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
