Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
