The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
