Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
