she woke up with a sticky ear
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
