I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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