my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think i got beer on your cat.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
