I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
