It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
